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Just a bit of banter!


Goodbye snow and hello Spring!...ish Some people were being really grumpy about the snow, but I though it was fun, well initially anyway. Big dump of snow - "How cool is this kids?!" Snowman building and snowball fights ensued like something out of an American Channel 5 Christmas movie. Such fun! Then it got warmer, then it got colder, a bit more snow - "That's shame, it was starting to feel like spring". Then some more snow - "You're just winding me up now!".

There is now blossom on the trees and the daffodils have stood their ground in the frost and adorn our beautiful English green spaces. I must admit, my want for warmer weather is a little more desperate than usual as I am struggling to put my shoes on. There is this big lump in front of me, increasingly getting in my way and slowing down my day. But that's enough about my hubby, I'm also 31 weeks pregnant! (Only joshing schnookums. Big love). Seriously though, Flip flops would be a big help right now.

My bump has now reached the size where people look at my stomach first and my face second. People also like to touch my bump, which for the most part I don't mind. If a friend puts their hand on my bump and has a pang of broodyness, I find it quite nice. I am growing a person after all. A small, cute (obvs), yummy smelling little person and I like how special that makes you feel. (I will have to remind myself of this when I'm overdue and chanting 'Get out, get out, GET OUT!' on an hourly basis.) Despite this, I do however have a line. I found out where that line was when I was pregnant with my son 4 years ago...

We were looking at having artificial grass put in our back garden. A man arrived 30 minutes late for our appointment at the house, boldly parked on our front drive and walked in without an apology holding folders and half a fake back garden rolled up under his arm. I took him outside and showed him the garden. He declared in slow mumbling drawl 'It's a small space but it will still look nice'. (Alright, easy up. We're all just trying to climb the ladder!) We came back inside and as we stood by the doors to the garden, he stepped towards me, put both hands on my bump, (You heard me, BOTH hands) and stated "So you're having a baby". Well done Columbo, now get your filthy hands off me! He then stepped onto the rug in the kids toy area (rug, not door mat) and wiped his muddy feet all over it! If I'm truly honest about my feelings at this point, I don't think I like this guy! I won't go into full detail, but he then went through how to look after your fake lawn in great detail. Information included how a large outdoor broom was required and an impression of the sweeping motion I need to practice. The conversation went like this...

'You'll need to buy a broom' - 'That's ok, I have one'

'It needs to be a large broom' - 'Yes, I've got one like that'

'You can buy one from any homewares store' - 'No it's fine, like I said I've got a broom'

'A large one?' - 'Yes'

'A large outdoor broom' - 'Yes'

'That's fine. Maybe check with your husband' - (I start to vibrate with anger). I should have answered 'That's ok, I know for a fact I have a large outdoor broom because it's the one I've been imagining shoving up your rectum, bristles first, since you walked in! Who is this bump grabbing, mud wiping broom obsessed sexist schmu...calm down Zö, you'll go in to labour. He then issued a serious warning that the plastic lawn will burn/melt if I have an open fire or have friends over who throw hot cigarette ends onto it! Sorry what?! What the hell kind of friends are you assuming I have that would come over to my house and start throwing hot fag ends all over my garden?! And plastic melts does it? Thanks for that information! I amazingly managed not to kill him and he eventually left. Unsurprisingly I decided to go with another company 'Just slightly more difficult than our competitor-Grass'.

I don't think that's an unreasonable line to draw when it comes to impromptu bump touching. But to my friends, by all means clamp-on!

I'm an 'interesting' person to live with at the moment. I wax and wane between super chipper and falling to my knees with exhaustion. When I'm the former, I'm a blast I tell you! Preggers or not, I do try to find a pleasant moment in the most mundane of tasks. Take a quick trip to the supermarket. Much to my husbands dismay I love a bit of a chat whilst paying for the shopping, or as I like to call it 'Check-out bants'. I'm not talking about the nosy woman behind you watching your shopping going along the conveyor belt like a poor man's Generation Game and every now and then chipping in with "Ooh, Heavy flow?!" I'm talking about a bit of light-hearted chat with the cashier. You know, the kind of chat that includes phrases like "I know, don't get me started!', 'Ha ha ha, you're so right!' and 'Thanks, good tip!' You wont get any extra loyalty points for it, but you might have just made someone smile. The 'wane' to my super chipper 'wax' if you will, is of course me being a total pain in the neck! This would include phrases like 'If you call total exhaustion, a to-do list as long as my arm, nausea and heartburn alright, then yes darling, I'm alright!'...way less fun.

So if you're out and about buying Easter eggs this week, take a moment to bring a smile to someones day. Have a great Easter break! #checkoutbants

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